semprezangado | for [nonstopnarcissist]

[ It's been harder since Ultron. Without Jarvis to talk him through it, to be kind- Rhodey helps when he's around but it's-

He sucks in a slow breath and chokes on it, hands twisting to cling to Bruce's wrists. Something to focus on that he's here, that his pulse is still slow and even. ]

I know. [Not to the same extent maybe, they've been through different things for sure but -- PSTD just sucks all around.

So he lets Tony cling, lets him feel his pulse and Bruce keeps his breathing steady for Tony to try and match]

I'm not going anywhere, okay?

[ Listing becomes leaning, leaning becomes burrowing, face pressed to Bruce's throat as he breathes. As he steadies, little by little, and he's not jittering outside his skin anymore ]

Sorry.

No need. [Long arms wrap carefully around Tony, fingers stroking through his hair gently. He can feel the faint trembling as Tony burrows against him and his heart tears in two. Thank god they're taking the time to heal, honestly.]

You never need to be sorry around me, okay?

[ Slowly the crackling in his mind goes quiet and he can breathe again, eyes closed, hands caught up in Bruce's shirt. Breathing. Being. He's fine, he's not in Sibera, not in Malibu, he's fine. ]

That sounds like a potential blank check you shouldn't be handing over.

You never need to apologize for a panic attack, how about that. Other things I may hold you to, but not this. [Bruce nuzzles into Tony's hair and rubs a firm hand over his back to keep Tony solidly in the moment.]

Better. I can do that. [ Or not do that, so it would seem, but either way it's a boundary he'll try to remember. It's- rough with the PTSD but he's here. He's safe. He's got Bruce.

These things ground him. ]

So. Nap without tea isn't the best idea, but that trick did help get me to drift off. So...we can call it a win?

A draw, anyway. When we have the bigger bed, I can do it for you more easily. After the tea and after we get all settled in for the night. [Which sounds cozy, and nice. A regular bedtime routine could be good for Tony.]

I've got the frame half finished and can go into town to get a good mattress for it tomorrow.

[ Nothing fancy, just solid, sturdy, big enough for the both of them to tangle or sprawl as they like- Tony can do one or the other with many variations in between. ] I'll make a nightstand too, wile I'm at it. Somewhere to set the tea tray.

Just while you're building things. Like the sauna and meditation room. [He tips Tony's chin up to kiss him, showing that he's teasing.] Our little shack is going to be so homey.

[ He leans into the kiss easily, eyes slipping closed. ]

You know- it'll be the first home I've had that I've built for one other person. Malibu was for me, The tower was for publicity, the compound the Avengers-

This? This is for you and me. [ Their place, their home, their safe haven. As long as they need it. ]

This is maybe more serious than I know you like to get but -- I've thought about this. Even let myself want it a little, from time to time. When we were sharing the lab, I'd think what if this just... kept going. What if it just continued, you know?

And now you're building it for us and I just -- [He laughs a little, self conscious at his confession and tries kissing Tony again to cover it up.]

It's not how I imagined it would go, but it -- it's better, actually. Like this.

I didn't want to pin you down. I didn't want to risk a friend I trust implicitly over an infatuation. [ It's easy to imagine Bruce walking away- not because he doesn't care, but because he didn't care that way and it wouldn't have killed him to be rejected.

It'd kill him to lose Bruce's mind, his wit, his sass, his wry humor and serene presence.

He combs his fingers through Bruce's hair, leaning away to look him in the eye. ]

I think I've loved you for longer than I knew what to do with.

[The words catch Bruce off guard, because he'd been expecting to hear to in a million different ways, mostly flippant or teasing but always sincere if you know Tony well enough, but he hadn't quite expected to just hear them straight out like that.

He drops a kiss to the bruise he'd left on Tony earlier, just above the collar of his tee which he sort of likes in a stupidly possessive way.]

We're idiots. I should have said something sooner, but you always felt just a little bit out of reach. I didn't want to try and drag you into something I wasn't sure you wanted.

I've wanted it- [ His head rolls back, giving Bruce as much room as he wants, a shiver rippling down his spine at the memory of getting that bruise. Fooling around on the sofa like teens and it'd been the most intense orgasm he'd had in years-

Because it was with Bruce. ] I just didn't know how to articulate that. Pep knew, didn't mind until she kind of did and it wasn't even because you're you and she got jealous- but because you'd be there with me in the field when I was fighting and she couldn't stand the idea of me getting hurt.

[ Shifting to straddle Bruce's lap is- well- easy. A better angle than Bruce being over him. ] I wanted- I want. I very much want, Bruce.

I hate the idea of you getting hurt. [Even with his suits and tech, Tony's still just human underneath. The scars on his sternum are proof of that. At least Bruce has the big guy's protection, his lapses in memory to help him deal with or just plain ignore what he does in the field. Tony doesn't have that luxury.

And then Tony's in his lap and Bruce's hands are at his waist in a way that shouldn't feel as easy and as natural as it does.] Glad I'm not a homewrecker, at least. I never wanted to get between you two -- you had your on again off again thing, and whenever you were off again it just felt intrusive to bring it up but --

I guess there's no point in rehashing could-haves, is there?

Mostly off, after Ultron. [ And Bruce was gone and everything that came after. Maybe if he'd been better able to ground himself, had more than just Rhodey it wouldn't have happened. Maybe if he'd gotten his head out of his ass he would've seen the lay of the land better.

Doesn't matter.

Ruminating on past mistakes isn't why he's here. He curls, bumping his nose against Bruce's temple, breathing. ] ...Yeah, let's skip 'could have' and go to 'can have'. 'Do have?' Because you do. Have me. Any which way you want.

You're like -- [Bruce ducks his head with a soft laugh and turns to peck Tony on the lips. Somehow, he hadn't expected this much cuddling. This much affection. But Tony has always been very tactile, looking back at it. It would make sense that being in a romantic relationship with him would lead to being attacked with affection like this.

And he can't say he minds.] You're like a very needy cat. It's sweet.

Pep wasn't much for sitting and letting me lean. Rhodey is when he's in town but- [ Tony shrugs. It is what it is. He's a tactile friend, let alone lover, let alone whatever they're going to call this. ] At least I don't claw when I get overstimulated?

[ He just peels away and rolls himself down to the workshop if that's an option. Right now this is- well it could be and dinner should be a thing but he's enjoying the moment, Bruce's heartbeat against his chest, lips against his skin. ] Skin hunger is a thing.

I believe it. [Dinner should happen at some point. But Bruce likes having Tony tucked up against his chest and -- god yes, skin hunger is a thing. It's been so long since Bruce let himself have anything close to this. A brief, fleeting moment ten years ago that might as well be in another lifetime and now to have Tony in his lap is a lot.

But in a good way. His fingers seem to gravitate naturally towards Tony's hair, petting and stroking lightly. A gentle return of affection.] I'm very good at sitting, and I am more than happy to let you lean.

Seriously, studies have been done, physical contact is meant to lower blood pressure, relieve stress, release all kinds of happy chemicals in the brain so- arguments in favor of cuddling and sex to help you manage your problem.

[ More the cuddling in the moment, justified by the aforementioned studies. And the fact that deeply, selfishly- he wants to. And Bruce has given him blanket permission so he's just going to take that and run with it as far as Bruce will let him. It's remarkably easy to just relax and let his mind quiet down, not even to the point of passing out, but just- go quiet like this. Further proving the cat commentary he pushes his head into the pass of Bruce's hands, rumbling. ] You're going to spoil me.

[Tony might be onto something in that line of thought, though Bruce doesn't want to get his hopes up too much. Cuddling is safe, and he likes safe. He likes having boundaries and lines because the last time he went out of them he was turned into a giant green rage monster, as Tony so nicely put it.

But god, he is so touch starved and he's been craving Tony for longer than he'd like to admit. So he will, selfishly, take all he can get until he feels they're pushing too hard against the lines he makes himself stick within]

Ah, so I need more orgasms in my life, is that what you're saying? And you're already spoiled, I'm just encouraging it.

Fifteen years, Bruce-baby. That's not healthy. I mean for someone that makes a life choice to abstain for moral, spiritual, or whatever other reasons- good for them. But I do think you're locking yourself in too tight a box here.

[ Not that he's about to push. This is good, this is fine, and he'd means it. If this is all he ever gets, if this is all Bruce is comfortable giving him? He'll take it gladly and be content, because he'll at least have Bruce.

He reaches up to take one of his hands, bringing it around to rest against his sternum where his heart's beating steady and slow. ] Let me spoil you back, is all I'm saying. I think you might be making a bigger deal of this than you need to.

I think I fall into the "whatever other reasons" category. [Though he does rest his hand on top of Tony's against his chest,
nosing at his cheek with a small, affectionate noise.]

Once we have the bigger bed all set up, we can run some experiments. So long as we take notes,
for science.

Big, angry, green reasons. [ Tony chuffs a soft laugh, squeezing Bruce's hand. ] You know the difference between doing something for fun and doing something for science is? Writing down what happens. Or recording it- should we get a camera involved? I mean, for science. It's okay if you're shy, I'm sure handwritten notes will more than cover everything-

[ Teasing, completely and utterly teasing because this? Is something he's damn sure Bruce would say no to and he's trying to get a blush out of him. ]

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