semprezangado | for [nonstopnarcissist]

It's always going. [ His eyes slip halfway closed, leaning back into Bruce's hands for a moment before rolling forward to rest against his chest. The mechanics of a heart, lungs, body- he knows these things if only due to knowhing how much his own set was worse for wear. Something about hearing Bruce so solid and healthy smooths the anxious little loops of his mind into quiet.

His hands do the rest. ]

I can't stop it. I've tried some impressively stupid shit, trying to get it to go quiet for an hour.

We can work on it together. Work on your breathing, focusing your energy. -- I have an idea. It's going to sound weird, but go with me on this for a minute?

[With the deepest reluctance he unwraps from Tony, but takes his hand to tug him towards the bed. Bruce sits up against the headboard, legs parted so Tony can fit himself between them]

Come sit back against my chest.

I've tried it. If it exists, I've tried it, and the only things that work reliably are scotch, opiates, or orgasm. Scotch only slows it down, opiates shut everything down but I haven't dipped my toe into that since I graduated, and orgasm's- fleeting.

[ Fun, but fleeting. But this- it slows, quiets, and he's good here for now- reluctant to let Bruce leave- but leave he does and Tony follows along, brows lifted. Quietly curious. ]

This seems very middle school. [ And yet, right into the space made for him he goes, leaning back against Bruce without a moment's hesitation. ]

And that's why you have to trust me here. Get comfortable, close your eyes, just concentrate on breathing.

[Once Tony is comfortable, Bruce starts smoothing his fingertips along his forehead, starting in the middle and moving across his temples, down his jaw to his chin. He keeps his touch featherlight, alternating between long sweeping strokes and gentle tapping.

It probably feels weird at first but if Tony is willing to trust him, it's also quite soothing.]

If you insist but, Bruce, I've tried meditating before- [ His brain just flicks through old problems- it's how he got good at designing shit in his head without the use of hoograms or even paper. Vivid mental imagry is useful up until it helps him relive unpleasant shit.

So.

Sitting, breathing, brow furrowing at the stroking and tapping. ]

This is some weird foreplay, Banner.

[Bruce sighs and wraps his arms around Tony instead. Betty had used to do that to him, when he was struggling with insomnia and working too late. Maybe he's doing it wrong. Or maybe Tony's brain just can't shut off.]

It's meant to help you relax and fall asleep. Or at least zone out a bit.

Oh...you'll need a regular pattern, then. Anything intermittent and I wind myself up trying to predict the changes. [ He slumps back against Bruce, reaching up to curl a hand around his wrist, feeling the steady thud of his pulse under his hand and against his back.

That, that helps. ]

...Keep trying? It can't hurt.

Your poor brain. [But he does try again, just stroking lightly this time. Keeping the same circuit from forehead to chin each time.

The tea is all well and good for getting him to sleep at night, but if he can do something to get Tony to take a break during the day then that would be ideal]

[ It's a different kind of touch. Too light to be arousing, too intimate to be casual. It's odd for the first few strokes before he's able to synch his breathing with Bruce's, mind ticking down from sixth gear to fifth, then fourth.

Gradually the small knot of tension he carries at the base of his skull goes loose and that? That helps. ]

[It does seem to be helping, at least. Tony is relaxing bit by bit, and Bruce will take those bits. It's better than nothing, honestly.

He keeps his breathing steady to help Tony do the same with his. Maybe if he can lull him into a nap, that'd be nice]

[ Little by little his mind goes distant. Quiet. Not shut down entirely but enough that more than even one night of good rest can help; the exhaustion of going endlessly forward since The accords, since ultron, since Afghanistan- catches up.

His breath evens out as his head tips heavily back aginst Bruce's shoulders, breath soft puffs through parted lips, body at rest. ]

[... oops, he did not think this through. But honestly, having Tony nap on top of him isn't the worst thing.

It's cozy, actually. And it's gratifying, to see Tony's face relaxed like this. Peaceful.

So one arm goes lightly around him while the other hand continues stroking his cheek, and eventually Bruce closes his eyes too]

[ It lasts longer than he would've thought, if he thought he'd actually pass out. An hour, an hour and a half? Long enough to hit REM running and tipped backward like this? There are only a few places his mind can go.

None of them are fun.

It's a weird mixture of the two, a high whine, an invisible force rendering him impossibly still- Roger's form indistinct in Malibu which was freezing- bringing the shield down again and again and again-

just because you have an idea doesn't mean it belongs to you-

He flinches, snapping sharply awake, heart racing, breath ragged and incomplete and god he misses being able to breathe- ]

[Bruce is not a heavy sleeper. He'd learned a while ago that he just needed to pick up and leave at any time, and light sleeping makes for a better quick exit.

So when Tony flinches against him, he blinks awake. That breathing is no good, sounds like a panic attack, and Bruce rubs his hands over Tony's arms. Trying to reassure but not wanting him to feel trapped.]

I'm right here, I've got you.

Ff- [ He twitches away on instinct, twisting around on the cot, hands coming up- not in the signature repulsor pose that's reflexive- but to cover his chest, face, neck, cowering away from...Bruce.

Brazil.

Right.

His breath comes out stuttering and slow, tension all but vibrating through his skin. ]

Shit.

You're fine, nothing to worry about. [Gently, Bruce takes Tony's hands to bring them away from his face, kissing both palms.

He knows a panic attack when he sees one. Has been through enough PTSD bullshit himself to understand that slow movements and a calm, even tone are the best he can do for Tony right now.]

[ It's been harder since Ultron. Without Jarvis to talk him through it, to be kind- Rhodey helps when he's around but it's-

He sucks in a slow breath and chokes on it, hands twisting to cling to Bruce's wrists. Something to focus on that he's here, that his pulse is still slow and even. ]

I know. [Not to the same extent maybe, they've been through different things for sure but -- PSTD just sucks all around.

So he lets Tony cling, lets him feel his pulse and Bruce keeps his breathing steady for Tony to try and match]

I'm not going anywhere, okay?

[ Listing becomes leaning, leaning becomes burrowing, face pressed to Bruce's throat as he breathes. As he steadies, little by little, and he's not jittering outside his skin anymore ]

Sorry.

No need. [Long arms wrap carefully around Tony, fingers stroking through his hair gently. He can feel the faint trembling as Tony burrows against him and his heart tears in two. Thank god they're taking the time to heal, honestly.]

You never need to be sorry around me, okay?

[ Slowly the crackling in his mind goes quiet and he can breathe again, eyes closed, hands caught up in Bruce's shirt. Breathing. Being. He's fine, he's not in Sibera, not in Malibu, he's fine. ]

That sounds like a potential blank check you shouldn't be handing over.

You never need to apologize for a panic attack, how about that. Other things I may hold you to, but not this. [Bruce nuzzles into Tony's hair and rubs a firm hand over his back to keep Tony solidly in the moment.]

Better. I can do that. [ Or not do that, so it would seem, but either way it's a boundary he'll try to remember. It's- rough with the PTSD but he's here. He's safe. He's got Bruce.

These things ground him. ]

So. Nap without tea isn't the best idea, but that trick did help get me to drift off. So...we can call it a win?

A draw, anyway. When we have the bigger bed, I can do it for you more easily. After the tea and after we get all settled in for the night. [Which sounds cozy, and nice. A regular bedtime routine could be good for Tony.]

I've got the frame half finished and can go into town to get a good mattress for it tomorrow.

[ Nothing fancy, just solid, sturdy, big enough for the both of them to tangle or sprawl as they like- Tony can do one or the other with many variations in between. ] I'll make a nightstand too, wile I'm at it. Somewhere to set the tea tray.

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